Grit and Aikido

I started taking the Japanese martial art known as Aikido in the fall of 2006. From that point forward, I was hooked. Aikido is by no means easy. I don't care how easy the people practicing it make it look, it isn't. Add to that I'm 40 and not in the best physical condition and you can imagine how that makes it much more difficult from time to time.

Tonight was one of those nights. All day I was very tired. Thanks in large part due to the previous night's practice where we practiced hard. Looking forward to practice? No. Why? Namely because we were doing a 3 hour practice. I was so tired and the thought of going to practice was not something I was looking forward to at all. I seriously thought about skipping.

But, I went. Even though I really just wanted to go home and laze about. Still, I went. I went because there is something about this martial art that calls me. I went because I made a promise to myself. When I started this and decided to continue on with it, regardless how hard it was for me to muster the motivation, I wasn't quitting.

I would be lying if I said that practice went smoothly and I walked away feeling a sense of relief. It wasn't. This was one of the more difficult practices. I was completely frustrated with myself. I felt as if every time my sparring partner and I were attempting to do as Sensei instructed I couldn't accomplish what he wanted. I felt like a failure. I was sucking wind, my chest and head were pounding and I was to the point of complete exhaustion. I even felt as if I were going to puke at one point.

Then, Sensei called us to come and kneel down in front of him. He began speaking to us about being frustrated and tired, etc. He then said, "You have an aptitude for Aikido. The moves are there, but you have to be patient." There was much more said and I am paraphrasing, obviously. But, of everything he had said, that was the one thing that hit me because I realized he was talking to me.

We took our break, resumed practice and while it got no easier and even at one point I was hurt from being stepped on not once but twice, something went off in my mind like a flare. Something that made me realize a truth about myself that I hadn't really ever grasped.

If someone had met me 5 or 10 years ago, they would've encountered a very different person. At my core, I am the person I've always been. But, I was lacking confidence in myself. I was unsure and I was in several areas quite weak. I had no "ki" as we call it in Aikido. Now, however, there is something very different about me. There is a confidence. Some kind of internal knowledge that didn't exist until I took Aikido.

I know when I step on the mat that no matter what the outcome, I will not quit. No matter how much I hurt or am sore, quitting is not something that even enters my mind. Would I like to be at home resting or off having fun with friends? Sure. But for all of the positive things Aikido gives me, I am more than willing to sacrifice my time, my energy and even my body.

I have found something within myself that was never there before – Grit. Grit that comes from striving for something I may never achieve. From never giving up or giving in. I think that is why I earned a rank of 5th kyu my first semester. Not because I'm better or because I have more polished technique. I think deep down it's because I refuse to give up. Because I do Aikido with heart. Sometimes that and Ki are the only things I have in practice after a long hard week.

So, I came to this realization today after practice. With my body hurting and sore. My feet in pain from being bumped and stepped on. The swollen area on my shin that was stomped on where there will surely be an ugly bruise tomorrow. All of these are my badges of honor. Each time I fall on that mat, I become a better Aikidoka. Not because I execute the technique with precision and perfection. No. I become better by learning to fall.

I realize lay people may not understand the concept. Falling? That's insane. But, for Aikidoka, the practice is 50% falling and the rest is throwing. So I think I've realized I really should love falling. I should relish every time I'm thrown down as it sharpens my Aikido and my mind.

After all I've done in my life and all the times I've let myself or others down, in this instance I embrace the fact that I can be good at this one thing. Not only do I love Aikido, I will strive to be great at it one day. I may never get there, but I have the heart not to give up. Heart is the thing that never quits.

Tawashi Crochet

I found a post on craftstylish.com awhile back on how to make a japanese crochet item called "tawashi". The particular ones I liked were the round ones. Since figuring out how to crochet (thanks again YouTube!) I am broadening my ideas on what projects I'd like to do.

I got some Lily Sugar n Cream cotton yarn for a great price at Michaels, came straight home and started to crochet.

Here's the result!

There are a couple of mistakes but given that it is the second project I've done, I'm quite pleased. I did take this with my iPhone, so please excuse the poor quality.

Knitting a Prayer Shawl

Anyone who has ever knitted a prayer shawl knows it is an undertaking, to say the least. Well, I should qualify that by saying I chose a size yarn and needles that would never make for a quick knit.

I've spent the past month on a prayer shawl that I am making for my mom. It is not difficult, but I did manage to make it incredibly time-consuming. Add to the level of time involved, I've had to rip back twice and start anew.

The first time was due to a series of dropped stitches. The second, while fixing dropped stitches, I lost several rows down. Rather than going through the rigamarole of trying to reset the stitches I just decided to pull back and start over. Well, 3 rows turned into about 12-15. What frustration!

Anyway, I'm back at it today, started again at break. I think taking the couple of days off to play with crocheting granny squares helped me. The shawl needs to be a thoughtful and meaningful knit, not one of frustration. It is a silly thought, but I believe that any negativity associated with its creation would come across in the garment. Yes, silly but hey that's how I roll...haha.

I love knitting. I love doing things with my hands. What an odd experience it is at the age of 40 to suddenly find myself enjoying handmade after years and years of being a person who loves doing things on computer. I'm experiencing a renaissance I suppose. A rebirth of sorts. I'm going through a time in my life where time is what I want to spend on things. Ironic I guess since time seems to be something I have little to spend. But, while I'm in good health, I want to spend time filling my life with things that bring me joy. Not all of the time, but most of it if I can. And, it should be noted that by joy I mean joy in little things. The mundane things of life that while insignificant do have value to those that count.

Thanks for reading these random and likely very silly thoughts. I appreciate anyone hearing what nonsense comes from my brain.