Grit and Aikido

I started taking the Japanese martial art known as Aikido in the fall of 2006. From that point forward, I was hooked. Aikido is by no means easy. I don't care how easy the people practicing it make it look, it isn't. Add to that I'm 40 and not in the best physical condition and you can imagine how that makes it much more difficult from time to time.

Tonight was one of those nights. All day I was very tired. Thanks in large part due to the previous night's practice where we practiced hard. Looking forward to practice? No. Why? Namely because we were doing a 3 hour practice. I was so tired and the thought of going to practice was not something I was looking forward to at all. I seriously thought about skipping.

But, I went. Even though I really just wanted to go home and laze about. Still, I went. I went because there is something about this martial art that calls me. I went because I made a promise to myself. When I started this and decided to continue on with it, regardless how hard it was for me to muster the motivation, I wasn't quitting.

I would be lying if I said that practice went smoothly and I walked away feeling a sense of relief. It wasn't. This was one of the more difficult practices. I was completely frustrated with myself. I felt as if every time my sparring partner and I were attempting to do as Sensei instructed I couldn't accomplish what he wanted. I felt like a failure. I was sucking wind, my chest and head were pounding and I was to the point of complete exhaustion. I even felt as if I were going to puke at one point.

Then, Sensei called us to come and kneel down in front of him. He began speaking to us about being frustrated and tired, etc. He then said, "You have an aptitude for Aikido. The moves are there, but you have to be patient." There was much more said and I am paraphrasing, obviously. But, of everything he had said, that was the one thing that hit me because I realized he was talking to me.

We took our break, resumed practice and while it got no easier and even at one point I was hurt from being stepped on not once but twice, something went off in my mind like a flare. Something that made me realize a truth about myself that I hadn't really ever grasped.

If someone had met me 5 or 10 years ago, they would've encountered a very different person. At my core, I am the person I've always been. But, I was lacking confidence in myself. I was unsure and I was in several areas quite weak. I had no "ki" as we call it in Aikido. Now, however, there is something very different about me. There is a confidence. Some kind of internal knowledge that didn't exist until I took Aikido.

I know when I step on the mat that no matter what the outcome, I will not quit. No matter how much I hurt or am sore, quitting is not something that even enters my mind. Would I like to be at home resting or off having fun with friends? Sure. But for all of the positive things Aikido gives me, I am more than willing to sacrifice my time, my energy and even my body.

I have found something within myself that was never there before – Grit. Grit that comes from striving for something I may never achieve. From never giving up or giving in. I think that is why I earned a rank of 5th kyu my first semester. Not because I'm better or because I have more polished technique. I think deep down it's because I refuse to give up. Because I do Aikido with heart. Sometimes that and Ki are the only things I have in practice after a long hard week.

So, I came to this realization today after practice. With my body hurting and sore. My feet in pain from being bumped and stepped on. The swollen area on my shin that was stomped on where there will surely be an ugly bruise tomorrow. All of these are my badges of honor. Each time I fall on that mat, I become a better Aikidoka. Not because I execute the technique with precision and perfection. No. I become better by learning to fall.

I realize lay people may not understand the concept. Falling? That's insane. But, for Aikidoka, the practice is 50% falling and the rest is throwing. So I think I've realized I really should love falling. I should relish every time I'm thrown down as it sharpens my Aikido and my mind.

After all I've done in my life and all the times I've let myself or others down, in this instance I embrace the fact that I can be good at this one thing. Not only do I love Aikido, I will strive to be great at it one day. I may never get there, but I have the heart not to give up. Heart is the thing that never quits.