Feeling better, it's always good

Well, after taking four days off, I have to say my first day back at work is not so bad. In fact I'm feeling pretty good about it right now. Of course I was supposed to be back yesterday, but my dog was sick and had to be taken to the vet. Sure, normally, I'd ask someone else to do that, but I was the only person here so it fell to me. He's doing better and I managed to sneak the little guy his meds without him knowing it...score!

The only thing different today is my attitude, and after a few days of introspection and rest I realized that I am merely feeling what I would consider normal reactions to the frustration of having no power over what things happen at the place where I work. I don't agree with everything, I don't like everything but if I want to continue working there my only option is to just try to carry on. I have a right to work wherever I want, but if I choose to stay somewhere then I kind of have to weather the storms of change without complaining too much.

I've also concluded that there are certain elements in my environment that I simply have to endure. I won't elaborate too much. It's more of an issue with the attitude of a single person than anything else. It's amazing how a negative energy can sap your spirit.

But, I can't let that happen. I can't let negativity gain any ground on me as I spent many a year in the past allowing that exact thing to happen. I've got to remind myself from time to time that I need to stay upbeat and not be taken over by all of the negative things I think, hear or feel. It's just not productive.

So, I've had a refresh and I'm back today with a better frame of mind.

I know the future is always changing, so, better to be less like a boat being tossed about on the seas of fate than to simply float along like the stolid iceberg.....haha!

BTW, I'm almost done with the double knit hat. Yea!

Double Knitting you say - Oh yeah! Halfway there.

So here is the double knit hat I've been working on as a test. It looks pretty good, well by my standards.

Also, I've included a pic of a washcloth I whipped out last night.

I have been on vacation the past 5 days and LOVING it. Now, tomorrow, it's back to work. Blech. Or perhaps Meh?

I'm not sure why I am so ambivalent or displeased about going back to work but I definitely do not want to go back. If I do, it's only to see my friends.

Don't get me wrong, the work is fun and I do like my boss and co-workers. What do I not want to return to though? Not sure.

I'm thinking it has more to do with the many, many changes that have happened the last 2 years. When I moved from the publications area to marketing I LOVED my job. For me it was like a promotion. I couldn't wait for the next project to work on. Then, the changes.

They merged us all together. Now, on paper, that likely seems to be a good idea. However, from my perception, it was like a demotion. While I am still doing the same work, the environment has changed. The two of us that were in marketing are staff-level. We are salary. The others in our group are hourly. To me, the way those in charge have always made the hourly folks feel was rarely entirely positive

While I am doing the same work, I don't feel the same way about the job or the place.

It's sad.

Luckily I do have knitting to inspire me and keep my creative juices flowing.

Double Knitting you say?

Well, I did the test gauge and even started a double knit hat on my circular knitting needles, attempting to knit it in the round. As with some projects I decided I disliked how it was progressing and frogged it back. In fact, I unraveled the whole thing, rewound my yarn and set it down. Thus far I have yet to restart it.

Why? I am not sure. I'm really tired this week. I was out sick Monday with a migraine and that basically set the tone for the week, at least for how I felt about doing that project over. I felt superb yesterday, then of course I went to Aikido...haha!

Aikido went all right. I won't lie and say that for me it's easy, it's most definitely not. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder and then one in my right hip. To take Aikido is something that requires either a half-hearted attempt at practice or outright obsession. I don't know where I fall within the spectrum on that, to be entirely truthful. I think, though, I border on obsession. A person has to be obsessed to put themselves through this much physical discomfort.

I love Aikido. I can honestly say that despite all of the pain and self-imposed frustration I deal with every week I practice, I would probably be doing Aikido every day if I could stand up to the physical rigors it requires. Is it a fortunate circumstance for me, then, that I cannot do it everyday?

Honestly, I don't know if my body would hold up to it or eventually become conditioned and improve.

I have never been a physically talented person, or perhaps that has been an error in my thinking. A person who has been overweight almost her entire life tends to view herself as lacking in physical ability. (That person I'm referring to is me by the way.) I was always too short for basketball, and running? Ha! I can't run. I don't have the build for it. I am top heavy, which means I have weakness in my ankles that makes running very hard. If chased by a pyscho wielding a knife, though, yes I would most definitely manage to run.

So, what made me want to do Aikido? I ask myself that, often. It isn't the cool factor because for me there is zero coolness. Yeah sure there is the white gi against the black hakama pants. Yes, that does tend to look cool. But work out one time with both on and you begin to understand that cool is never part of the equation. It is a nod to the lineage and history of Aikido, a way of honoring the founder and the Japanese samurai history. It is neither comfortable nor fun to wear while being thrown about on the mat. Think I'm exaggerating? Then you don't know what is truly involved in Aikido.

So why do it? Because I love it. I don't know why. Every other attempt at some kind of exercise has always left me feeling hatred for its creator...LOL. But with Aikido, it's something I feel is completely right. I feel it to the marrow of my bones: I'm supposed to be doing this. ME!?! Yes, me.

So what does Aikido have to do with knitting? Nothing. But for me, this feeling of making something brings me the same sort of satisfaction. It is also something I feel I intuitively know how to do before I even start a project. Yes, I say to myself, this feels right.

I can't explain it anymore than I can explain Aikido. But I love them both.

So, this weekend I return to the double knitting project. At least I'll start it. Will it be gorgeous and lovely? Who knows. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. For me, the beauty lies in learning to do the thing at all, not in doing it well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So it's later tonight after I've done the 3 hour Aikido practice. We did rolls. Forward rolls, that is. They are supposed to be quite simple. You squat down with your hips squared forward, bend down with your arms forming a circle, back leg perpendicular to your front leg which is facing straight. At this point you tuck your head, push off with your back foot and your hips roll over and you end up in the same position.

This is how it is "supposed" to happen. Of all the things that I can and can't do, forward rolls are my nemesis. I don't care how many times I tell myself, "bring your hip over the top" I can't do it. It is something that frustrates me. I grow more and more frustrated and end up doing worse and worse.

Now, I could use the excuse of being exhausted and since it was near the end of practice I was too tired to do the rolls right. Let's face it, no excuses will change the fact that no matter what I always seem to skew right or left and my hips? HA! There is no "over the top" happening.

So, I need a new approach. I need to correct the thinking and then follow suit with the physical correction. I need to believe I can roll.

For now, I'm going to bed.

Double Knitting

I started on a gauge swatch just to see if I could do it in double knit and it worked!

For those not certain, double knit in knitting terms means you can knit a two-sided garment or what have you at the same time.

Now, of course, it's not perfect, but hey I just learned to knit a few months ago!

The picture is not great, iphone and all...but you can see that it is in stockinette on both sides. 

I think it would work well for several applications....just have to figure out what.

Grit and Aikido

I started taking the Japanese martial art known as Aikido in the fall of 2006. From that point forward, I was hooked. Aikido is by no means easy. I don't care how easy the people practicing it make it look, it isn't. Add to that I'm 40 and not in the best physical condition and you can imagine how that makes it much more difficult from time to time.

Tonight was one of those nights. All day I was very tired. Thanks in large part due to the previous night's practice where we practiced hard. Looking forward to practice? No. Why? Namely because we were doing a 3 hour practice. I was so tired and the thought of going to practice was not something I was looking forward to at all. I seriously thought about skipping.

But, I went. Even though I really just wanted to go home and laze about. Still, I went. I went because there is something about this martial art that calls me. I went because I made a promise to myself. When I started this and decided to continue on with it, regardless how hard it was for me to muster the motivation, I wasn't quitting.

I would be lying if I said that practice went smoothly and I walked away feeling a sense of relief. It wasn't. This was one of the more difficult practices. I was completely frustrated with myself. I felt as if every time my sparring partner and I were attempting to do as Sensei instructed I couldn't accomplish what he wanted. I felt like a failure. I was sucking wind, my chest and head were pounding and I was to the point of complete exhaustion. I even felt as if I were going to puke at one point.

Then, Sensei called us to come and kneel down in front of him. He began speaking to us about being frustrated and tired, etc. He then said, "You have an aptitude for Aikido. The moves are there, but you have to be patient." There was much more said and I am paraphrasing, obviously. But, of everything he had said, that was the one thing that hit me because I realized he was talking to me.

We took our break, resumed practice and while it got no easier and even at one point I was hurt from being stepped on not once but twice, something went off in my mind like a flare. Something that made me realize a truth about myself that I hadn't really ever grasped.

If someone had met me 5 or 10 years ago, they would've encountered a very different person. At my core, I am the person I've always been. But, I was lacking confidence in myself. I was unsure and I was in several areas quite weak. I had no "ki" as we call it in Aikido. Now, however, there is something very different about me. There is a confidence. Some kind of internal knowledge that didn't exist until I took Aikido.

I know when I step on the mat that no matter what the outcome, I will not quit. No matter how much I hurt or am sore, quitting is not something that even enters my mind. Would I like to be at home resting or off having fun with friends? Sure. But for all of the positive things Aikido gives me, I am more than willing to sacrifice my time, my energy and even my body.

I have found something within myself that was never there before – Grit. Grit that comes from striving for something I may never achieve. From never giving up or giving in. I think that is why I earned a rank of 5th kyu my first semester. Not because I'm better or because I have more polished technique. I think deep down it's because I refuse to give up. Because I do Aikido with heart. Sometimes that and Ki are the only things I have in practice after a long hard week.

So, I came to this realization today after practice. With my body hurting and sore. My feet in pain from being bumped and stepped on. The swollen area on my shin that was stomped on where there will surely be an ugly bruise tomorrow. All of these are my badges of honor. Each time I fall on that mat, I become a better Aikidoka. Not because I execute the technique with precision and perfection. No. I become better by learning to fall.

I realize lay people may not understand the concept. Falling? That's insane. But, for Aikidoka, the practice is 50% falling and the rest is throwing. So I think I've realized I really should love falling. I should relish every time I'm thrown down as it sharpens my Aikido and my mind.

After all I've done in my life and all the times I've let myself or others down, in this instance I embrace the fact that I can be good at this one thing. Not only do I love Aikido, I will strive to be great at it one day. I may never get there, but I have the heart not to give up. Heart is the thing that never quits.

Tawashi Crochet

I found a post on craftstylish.com awhile back on how to make a japanese crochet item called "tawashi". The particular ones I liked were the round ones. Since figuring out how to crochet (thanks again YouTube!) I am broadening my ideas on what projects I'd like to do.

I got some Lily Sugar n Cream cotton yarn for a great price at Michaels, came straight home and started to crochet.

Here's the result!

There are a couple of mistakes but given that it is the second project I've done, I'm quite pleased. I did take this with my iPhone, so please excuse the poor quality.

Knitting a Prayer Shawl

Anyone who has ever knitted a prayer shawl knows it is an undertaking, to say the least. Well, I should qualify that by saying I chose a size yarn and needles that would never make for a quick knit.

I've spent the past month on a prayer shawl that I am making for my mom. It is not difficult, but I did manage to make it incredibly time-consuming. Add to the level of time involved, I've had to rip back twice and start anew.

The first time was due to a series of dropped stitches. The second, while fixing dropped stitches, I lost several rows down. Rather than going through the rigamarole of trying to reset the stitches I just decided to pull back and start over. Well, 3 rows turned into about 12-15. What frustration!

Anyway, I'm back at it today, started again at break. I think taking the couple of days off to play with crocheting granny squares helped me. The shawl needs to be a thoughtful and meaningful knit, not one of frustration. It is a silly thought, but I believe that any negativity associated with its creation would come across in the garment. Yes, silly but hey that's how I roll...haha.

I love knitting. I love doing things with my hands. What an odd experience it is at the age of 40 to suddenly find myself enjoying handmade after years and years of being a person who loves doing things on computer. I'm experiencing a renaissance I suppose. A rebirth of sorts. I'm going through a time in my life where time is what I want to spend on things. Ironic I guess since time seems to be something I have little to spend. But, while I'm in good health, I want to spend time filling my life with things that bring me joy. Not all of the time, but most of it if I can. And, it should be noted that by joy I mean joy in little things. The mundane things of life that while insignificant do have value to those that count.

Thanks for reading these random and likely very silly thoughts. I appreciate anyone hearing what nonsense comes from my brain.

Granny Obsessed!

As is customary with my interests, I find something I like and then suddenly become enthralled. This is the case with granny squares. I succeeded with my first two attempts yesterday and today while getting V-day gifts for my secret pal at work I bought some cotton yarn to try out.

I have to say at first the cotton yarn frustrated me. Since I just recently managed to learn crocheting granny squares, I think the two new things together was daunting. But, I didn't give up. I ended up making two after work and a 3-hour Aikido practice this evening.

The cotton feels so incredibly soft but also has a bit more of a sturdy feel to it than the soft yarn I used for my mom's shawl project. I don't know how the costs compare, but I'd love to have something made out of this cotton yarn like socks or dishcloths.

Anyway, see below and you'll see the results of my efforts. The yarn colors are two different skeins of ombre I Love This Cotton yarn from Hobby Lobby. Ironically theses were meant for Christmas, but I love the colors. I'm very pleased!

Crochet....YES, I said Crochet!

Ok, if you took the time to read previous posts you know of my frustration with the art of crochet. For years I've admired those who deftly crochet any number of gorgeous projects. Of late, I've been intensely envious of my friend Amber who has taken up crochet and run with it. She's made hats and recently the cutest little birds. I've been wanting to try Amigurumi and here she's gone and done it! Color me pea green with envy. =)

In the last year, I have developed a growing interest in fiber arts. I've been watching youtube tutorials on how to knit, drop spindle yarn and crocheting. Crochet for me was confusing and frustrating, forcing me in my impatient youth to throw down the hook and yarn thinking I'd never return.

Never say never folks! Today I actually managed to crochet something! After watching several online tut's about making a granny square I finally attempted one myself. I will not post a pic until I've completed one, but I will say this as a bit of a teaser: it's looking like an actual granny square!

Yeah me!

Pics to come shortly.....I hope.

---------------------------------------->

TA-DA!

Knitting Projects now and future

Ok, so if you know me, you are aware that I've been knitting a prayer shawl for my mom. It's not one of those shawls you throw together in a matter of a week with a bulky weight yarn and larger needles. It's made with Caron's Simply Soft using size 9 needles.

In retrospect I think this was not the best choice. I say that in jest, somewhat, as the feel and look of the shawl is really nice. It's not filled with fancy stitches or lace, but is instead a step above the basic garter or stockinette stitch. I don't know if I love it, but I do love the colors.

When I get a chance, I'll take a pic and share it.

I hope my mom uses this shawl. It's a shawl I have made with the prayer constantly in my thoughts that it bring her healing. My mom is not in the best of health. She hasn't been for many years. My mom suffers from chronic asthma. Compounded with other health issue, it makes her daily life a struggle. For her, the simple act of getting out of a car and walking into a store is a trial.

As adults we not only have to watch ourselves age, which in and of itself is not fun. But, we also have to watch our parents age as well. It saddens me once in awhile to think of them as old, but one day they will be elderly, a definition that never seems to gel in my mind.

I look at my mom and dad and see two people that resemble my parents, but who are also very different. When I picture them in my mind, I always see them as they were when they were younger. Vibrant, fun-loving people who took us to Colorado to ride motorcycles and various other trips and outings.

I think of them as young but I know that this is the cycle of life. I know one day they won't be here.

So, in the smallest of ways, I tried to express to them my affection by knitting them things. For my dad a bulky knit cap to warm his head as he is out in the cold driving a truck 6 days out of 7. And, as mentioned before, for my mom a shawl to cover herself it warmth both from it and from me.

But I digress, as the title states there are also projects I want to try in the future. To name a few: a double knitted item yet to be determined, a new laptop sleeve, socks, mittens and eventually.....gasp.....gloves! Stay tuned. ;)

Knitting, Crafts and what not

I'm an avid reader of different craft blogs. I, in fact, love them. I also enjoy doing a few myself. From time to time I'm going to make a concerted effort to actually post some pics of projects I'm working on. These vary from sewing, knitting and screen printing among other things. Who knows what will capture my fancy these days!

Now I'm new to knitting, so don't expect gorgeous sweaters and such until, oh, maybe mid-year? I am kidding, obviously.

Why do I love knitting? Hard to say. Actually I find it odd that a passion for knitting emerged after quitting crochet in a fit of frustration. Without a video to guide me, I just didn't get crochet at all. Evidence of that confusion came in the form of some very sad looking trapezoids that were meant to be rectangles. Suffice it say, my personality is the type that once I feel frustrated, going to back to a thing takes some time.

Alas, after years away from yarn, I decided to attempt knitting. All I can say is thank God for web sites and YouTube! I learned at an exponential rate how to do, not only the basic knit and purl stitches, but also various other more advanced techniques. Then came the love and passion for knitting so many out there share. I find these video tutorials invaluable.

Being a creative in my professional career, my brain has always been more attuned to the visual and hands-on approach to things. For me reading is something I do for enjoyment not instruction. I can do it, but getting how to work a stitch for me is not cemented until I have needles in hand and practice while simultaneously watching a video. I can't explain it, but that's how my brain functions I suppose.

Among the many other things I am trying to learn at the young age of 40....haha....I am also sewing and screen printing. I bought myself a Yudu and two Print Gocco's last year. What fun! So, here I am a woman who works two jobs, takes Aikido two nights a week and is now trying to cram as much of these other extracurricular activities in as well.

I wonder if I might be overextending myself?

At least it'll be fun.

Cheers people!

Wow, back in business!

After forgetting about my blog I decided to jump back into it again. So, now the problem is....what in the world am I going to blog about?